
This time of year has always been hard for me. I know many folks who struggle during the holidays, but I struggle most for about a month after those decorations come down. There’s just so much to remember. Recover my routines… Year-end accounting… This year’s planning… Prep for tax season… Renew yearly contracts… Monthly invoicing and payments…
Oh, and don’t forget to keep up your creative work, enjoy your life, and check in with loved ones!
It’s a lot. And this year feels even heavier, because for most of December, I was sick. So sick, in fact, that I had to step out of my December ToP training. I’d been looking forward to meeting new participants and incorporating nature-based learning during my first time at Dakota Lodge, but that whole week found me too weak even to type—all that when I’d just begun to walk without pain after six months of injury!
This season is teaching me hard lessons about letting go. I’ve had to release my hold on plans. I’ve had to rely on my household and colleagues to care for and fill in for me. I’ve had to lower my expectations for achievement in a culture of nonstop action.
But something filled those spaces as I let go: Radical acceptance of uncertainty.
Anyone with a long-term disability already understands uncertainty, as do groups of people who’ve been historically oppressed. I tend to think a lot of cisgendered white folks like me do too; we’ve just been trained to deny it, shut down our sensory systems, and keep ourselves doing busy work to avoid thinking about it.
My illness meant I couldn’t “perform whiteness” last month. And now, as I return to full health, I’m loath to release the ambivalent gift of accepting uncertainty. So, I’m breathing. I’m paying attention to my body and to nature. I’m letting myself grow tired with early sunsets and wake slowly with early sunrises. I’m blocking off my schedule for writing, reflection, and prayer. And I’m thanking people more often.
How about you? How are you shaping your relationship to uncertainty?
Many thanks to Brigid Riley, Julie Richards, and Gardner Urena for their practical actions and sympathetic ears in covering that December ToP training. Thanks also, to my mentors, Lissa Jones and Carolyn Holbrook, for their tireless patience with and belief in me. I would not be where I am without you.
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